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TALE OF THE TAPE

Tale Of The Tape: Los Angeles Clippers Vs. Microsoft

So, Mr. Ballmer, it says on your resume that you helped build Microsoft into the world’s biggest software company, valued at close to $350 billion. And you’ve amassed a personal treasure chest worth about $21 billion for your troubles. Mom must be very proud of you.

But listen here, Daddy Warbucks, running a software company doesn’t qualify you to own an NBA basketball team. (I’ve used Windows and watched the Clippers on TV, so I should know.) Being fabulously rich, however, makes you imminently qualified. Welcome aboard. Lunch is at 12:00; the men’s bathroom is over there.

Los Angeles Clippers
Microsoft
LOS ANGELES, CA - OCTOBER 29: The Los Angeles Clippers logo is shown in the locker room before their game against the Los Angeles Lakers at Staples Center on October 29, 2013 in Los Angeles, California.
The Microsoft logo is seen before the start of a media event in San Francisco, California on Thursday, March 27, 2014. Satya Nadella, CEO of Microsoft, unveiled a version of Office designed for the iPad today. Microsoft is tapping into its software past as it maps its future in the rapidly changing world of Internet technology.
(Photo Credit: Noah Graham/NBAE via Getty Images)
The Microsoft logo is seen before the start of a media event in San Francisco, California on Thursday, March 27, 2014. (Photo Credit: Josh Edelson/AFP/Getty Images)
Value
$2 billion.
Winner $350 billion.
Key Staff
Winner Blake Griffin and Chris Paul… and some guy from Duke (ugh, IKR). They probably have other players on the roster. The team did make the playoffs again this season, which is something. Though, to be fair, the Wizards made the playoffs this season too. Doc Rivers is a solid coach.
Much of the old guard -- Bill Gates and those guys -- has retired into advisory roles. Can you blame them? Counting all that money is a full-time job in itself. Now they have an engineer running the place. My computer still works, so I'm guessing everything is okay up in Redmond. But one little virus could change all that.
Product
The Clippers have played well in recent years with an influx of good young talent. They managed a 57-25 record this season, third best in the NBA. Playing in the second largest media market means the team gets a lot of local and national exposure. But people in LA love their Lakers almost as much as they love plastic surgery. The Clippers are still the other team.
Winner I think we can reasonably assume that computers are more than a passing fad. I don't have any concrete statistics handy, so let's just call it a hunch. Computers need software to run, and Microsoft makes Windows and Office, the dominant operating system and office system respectively. And let's not forget the Xbox, the single biggest time-waster on college campuses nationwide.
Outlook
Winner Things are looking up for the Clippers. All the right pieces are in place for a championship run in the very near future. The Spurs aging into Social Security should help. The team enjoyed some positive national attention for its reaction to the Donald Sterling comments. And the pending purchase just quadrupled its value and that of every NBA franchise.
Sorry, I meant Outlook in the general sense, not in the email-sending, inbox-swelling, computer-crashing sense. Everybody seems to want a piece of Microsoft, but that's nothing new. Google has office computer software. Sony has a video-gaming system. And I need $50 to go drinking tonight (come on, you can spare it, you're worth $350 billion). Microsoft is holding its ground... for now.

We'll Just Call it a Tie

LOS ANGELES, CA - OCTOBER 29: The Los Angeles Clippers logo is shown in the locker room before their game against the Los Angeles Lakers at Staples Center on October 29, 2013 in Los Angeles, California. The Microsoft logo is seen before the start of a media event in San Francisco, California on Thursday, March 27, 2014. Satya Nadella, CEO of Microsoft, unveiled a version of Office designed for the iPad today. Microsoft is tapping into its software past as it maps its future in the rapidly changing world of Internet technology.

It's a crazy world out there. Until recently, who would've guessed that a racist rant was actually a smart business move? Maybe this new business logic can be applied at Microsoft. Look at that, Steve, the Clippers purchase hasn't even happened and it's already paying dividends. You're really good at this business thing.

MORE TALES OF THE TAPE

  1. SEATTLE, WA - JANUARY 19: Cornerback Richard Sherman #25 of the Seattle Seahawks reacts on the sideline after tipping a pass which led to a Seahawks game-clinching interception late in the fourth quarter against the San Francisco 49ers during the 2014 NFC Championship at CenturyLink Field on January 19, 2014 in Seattle, Washington. Photo Credit: Michael Buckner/Getty Images
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  2. ORCHARD PARK, NY - SEPTEMBER 14: Buffalo Bills fans hold up a picture of Terry Pegula during the first half against the Miami Dolphins at Ralph Wilson Stadium on September 14, 2014 in Orchard Park, New York. Visitors look at a 1979 Pontiac TransAm during the 37th Annual Barrett-Jackson Collector Cars auction in Scottsdale, Arizona, 16 January 2008. The Barrett-Jackson auction company specializes in classic and collectors cars, and their auction in Scottsdale is the world's largest collector car event. This year more than 1,100 cars are on sale during the week.
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  3. (Photo by Rich Schultz /Getty Images) (Photo by Jeff Gross/Getty Images)
    Tale Of The Tape: Philadelphia Eagles At Indianapolis Colts

    Nick Foles could not believe his eyes when he looked at the scoreboard in Week One and found his Eagles trailing the lowly Jacksonville Jaguars 17-0 at home in the first half.

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