Tale Of The Tape: USA Vs. Belgium

You think surviving the ‘Group of Death’ was tough? Try staying fit enough to make the Belgian National Team when your country’s most famous export is this:

(John Thys/Getty Images)

(John Thys/Getty Images)

The brand of soccer played by The Red Devils is nearly as sweet as the country’s chocolate, and they’ll be favorites based on talent heading into Tuesday’s matchup with Team USA. But that thinking is largely based on trivial factors like Belgium’s 2-0 record in recent friendlies (0-1 in 2011, and 2-4 last year). To see who has the real edge, you have to look beyond the pitch for the Tale of The Tape.

United States
Statue of Liberty
World-Renowned Statue
Winner Statue Of Liberty - Lady Liberty is a goddess symbolizing freedom while towering 305 feet above New York Harbor. Few landmarks are more closely tied to any nation than this one. We love her, even if she was a gift from the French.
Manneken Pis – the 61 centimeter bronze statue of a child urinating is perhaps the most frequented tourist attraction in Belgium. Add to that the fact that they dress the child in costumes ranging from a Tour de France jersey to Mozart and we have to give them a 10 for creativity and a 0 for sanity.
Go-To Waffle
Eggo - They're ok I guess.
Winner Belgian - Powdered sugar and Nutella? That's just not fair.
Condiment of Choice
Winner Ketchup - We've got more packets of ketchup in our break rooms than they have people in their country. Don't make us bring back Freedom Fries to prove we own this category.
Mayonnaise - We'll admit, these guys make a good fry, but then they put mayo on it. We've got serious issues with that. Mayo should be used exclusively on burgers and to drown out any other flavor in your mom's potato salad.
Chocolate You Can Find Anywhere
Hershey's - Unless you are slapping a stick of this between two graham crackers with a gooey marshmallow then we're out. There are a lot of other chocolate options that taste more like chocolate.
Winner Godiva - Belgium is home to some of the world's best chocolatiers, but this one is the only one you've likely heard of here in the states. Does their silk ganache sound better than the "with almonds" option? Yeah, thought so.
Signature Beer
Winner IPA - There are over 300 craft breweries in California alone, we've got more double-hop concoctions than there were gun scenes in the film "In Bruges."
Winner Trappist - They have beer made by monks. If you don't think that's cool, there's no hope for you.
Coolness Of Uniforms
Winner Stripes but no Stars - The Where's Waldo red and white stripes look isn't going to make it on the pitch in Brazil, but having just come off ugly sweater party that is the Winter Olympics, you've got to be impressed by the wearability of the Team USA gear.
Black Devils? - Did they just rip off the Spanish team's uniforms? I guess Fernando Torres and crew aren't using them anymore, but still, the red devils wearing all black and yellow makes no sense.

The Winner Is

Statue of Liberty
Winner United States
4 out of 6

Belgium can hold it's own on the culinary front, but to whip up the nationalistic frenzy needed to move on in the World Cup, nothing beats an awe-inspiring monument and a set of uniforms that pair equally well with Kyle Beckerman's dreadlocks and Michael Bradley's glistening dome. Looks like team USA will be advancing to face either Argentina or the Swiss (nice, more chocolate) in the next round.


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